Advent Day 8: December 9th
The Heart's Journey Toward Love

For a period of time before my father's death, I committed myself to a weekly practice. Our relationship had always been uneasy, but I wanted to reach a place of love within myself -- whether or not he and I would ever reach an understanding. So I began driving to see him once a week, trying to open my heart. As I drove, I gently remembered the rejections and confusing series of memories that had been our relationship. The drive took an hour. Halfway there, I opened the windows and let the memories go. In the remaining thirty minutes, I consciously filled the car with hope and love.

Sometimes my father was responsive, sometimes not. Once he wouldn't even acknowledge me; he turned away and looked out the window. But I hadn't come for his response. I had come to discover love in my own heart. My success wasn't attached to his behavior. I was learning to love even if things weren't "fair" or just. It was a choice, and I didn't want my life to be defined by a series of distressing disappointments. If I kept choosing to remember past hurts instead of the power of love within, what did that say about my faith? I knew the answer to that. Ultimately, I wanted nothing to prevail against love. So I drove along asking this greater love to help me. Strangely, with every trip, I felt a growing peace.

Then one day my father said, "Thank you." Even more remarkable, I heard it for what it probably was: the only way he could ever tell me he loved me. He was in a hospital then, and I had just spoken to the doctor on his behalf. Once a powerful attorney, now he was unable to fully understand (or at least to express) what was happening to him. Thank you. He cried with emotion when he said it. He whispered, "I can't believe this is happening to me." I put my arms around him and held him, held his stiff frame.

This experience -- and these particular circumstances -- are unique to me: a car ride, a difficult father, someone whispering thank you. But the reality of taking the journey away from selfishness and righteousness into the fullness of love -- this is the necessary journey of all our hearts.


by Paula D'Arcy, Redbird Foundation
from the book: Daybreaks